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I've been out of High School for almost four months now.
They tell you that you're going to have so much freedom to do whatever you want. You can do and be whatever. But what they don't tell you is the confusion you feel, the loss of friends that occur, the feeling of inadequacy to do anything, the frequent mental breakdowns, and the constant reminder that you're almost a full-on adult.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of pros too. Sleeping in until noon, not having homework, not dealing with the pressures High School brings - all of that is great, but I just feel different. In a sense, I feel a bit lazy. Here I am, day in day out not doing much of anything. Well, except work. That's all I do anymore. Not quite, but it sure feels that way. All I can say is I'm definitely not cut out for 40 hour weeks, mentally and physically. 30 hour ones bring enough pain and mental breakdowns.
Not being in High School is one heck of a change, and taking a semester off of school is an even bigger one. I'm working like crazy, I'm volunteering, I'm trying to juggle so many things at once. There was a day that I didn't see my little sister for an entire day, and another where I didn't see my mom for almost two. Never before has that happened.
Last Sunday night after church, my drive home brought on a flood of emotions that I didn't expect. I was just tired. Tired of working. Tired of driving all the time. Tired of not seeing my family. I came home and my parents were sitting around a fire, so I joined them for the first time in months. And I just started sobbing. It was a heavy, shoulders-move-up-and-down kind of sob. Something I hadn't done in a long time. I just poured out all my problems to them, everything that I had been feeling over the past couple weeks. The pain that was constantly in my heel from working so much (I'm as flat footed as they come), the mental exhaustion, the feeling of having absolutely no one in my life anymore. They told me to cut down my hours, take a week of to refresh and regroup. To find myself again. And I'm crazy excited to have those six days off.
Now, I don't want to sound crazy negative because that's just not me - or at least I try not to be very often. It's pretty cool that I'm not in school anymore and I accomplished something major. There's just so much more to graduating than that.
There's this Bible verse that I used quite often throughout my graduation party, it's Proverbs 16:3, “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Right now, I feel like there's just so many "What If" scenarios playing out in my head. My biggest one being What if it's hard to find a job for the career I want? Then what? I just spent thousands of dollars to do something I can't even do.
So I'm learning to trust. To trust that everything is going to be okay, that even if I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything right now, it's going to add up to something.
Psalm 20:4 “May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.”
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